The blog

20 weeks with baby number 3

Hey everyone, its been a while since a blog post, so I apologise. Some of you who follow me on Instagram would have known already by my insta videos ( which I am new at, and still trying to get the hang off!) that I am pregnant! I have been rather quiet with this one, more or less just really enjoying this pregnancy. Ive enjoyed having a little secret to myself for a while. But now I’m half way and about time I shared an update with you all!

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20 weeks with baby number 3

The first 3 months have been fairly easy, not much nausea just a lot of tiredness. I had an early gestational diabetes test, which I have not heard back from, so I’m assuming all good…..and considering how I felt with Elijah and how I feel this time, couldn’t be more different! This pregnancy is a lot more like when I was pregnant the first time with Timmy, it was easy and comfortable and I really enjoyed the experience. Elijah, well that was a whole other ball game. I hated every minute being pregnant, I hate saying that. But it was true. It was very hard to control anything to do with my body, what I ate and how I felt before or after i ate, my tiredness level was horrendous! however the minute I gave birth I felt I could have run a marathon, I literally felt amazing again. Goes to show what gestational diabetes can do to you!

I thought we would stop after baby number 2, but I realised the moment I gave birth to him that would be that last time. I was sad at the thought of never getting to go through pregnancy again, feel baby kicks and getting to go through labour again. Yes, labour sucks, but it is the most rewarding experience you will ever have in your life, well it was for me anyway! You go through hours of pain to get the most amazing gift at the end of it! There is literally no high like it when you see and hold your baby in your arms, its pure magic.

well I have really been enjoying my pregnancy a lot this time around. Really absorbing it all. I’m getting a lot bigger now and feeling baby move a fair bit more, however baby is a lot more quiet in the moving department then the other two were. I have had my scan to tell me the sex of my baby. If you want to know, send me a msg, ill tell you 🙂 I wont write it on here as other people may not want to know.

With every pregnancy there are new fears I face every time. With Timmy it was all new, I feared the unknown. And after the birth everything was different, it was overwhelming, the tiredness was a whole new level I never knew. but after 4 months it all settled down, we found our rhythm and it was good. With Elijah I was worried how Timmy would handle the new addititon, but on a whole he was good. He just decided to go through his threenanger stage after Elijah was born, which kinda sucked and made my life very stressful. He seems to be getting a bit better now. But after Elijah I hit Post Natal Depression, my stress was off the grid it was awful….speaking to doctors and councillors all they suggested was drugs, especially after the doctor told me I would need drugs to come of the original drugs they would give me….um, no thanks. I decided right there and then I had to sort my shit out, whether it was timing or just me, somehow I managed to get my shit together. It was not easy, but I am lucky I got through it, it took a good 5 months. So yes I am nervous that PND will begin again after baby number 3, but I am currently taking steps to try and get my head straight, try to be aware of when I’m feeling low, and try to take a different approach after baby is born. only time will tell if this helps or not. If not there is a course on PND I can do through the Parental Stress Centre, who I did a course through them after my last baby called “find the calm amongst the chaos” and I can not tell you how much that helped me. You can read about my story on that here The Parental Stress Centre 

Its now 20 weeks with baby number 3, and I had my first hormonal breakdown a few days ago. My fears going forward are obviously PND, and Elijah. He is very clingy and needs my attention a lot. He screams and cry’s constantly when I am around, for other people he seems fine, but when it is me, its not good enough he needs to be with me or on me or have my attention a lot of the time! I am hoping after he starts talking he will calm down on the screaming and crying. however, I am looking forward to having our last addition join the family. Timmy is very excited for the new addition, he has helped choose the name also. I am not worried about him, he is such a smart little cookie and yes he has days he is a right pain in the arse however, he is such a beautiful little boy, very intelligent and makes a really good big brother. He loves to help me out when he is in the mood. His latest helping is vacuuming the floor. I am not complaining.

So after my feeling a bit low the other day and loosing my temper one too many times at the boys, I decided I needed to try and get on top of this once again before it gets out of control. I went onto the Parental Stress Centre website and found a course which now suits me. I will blog about it later once I am finished it. It is called The Happy Mum Course. I Just started 3 days ago, it goes for 10 weeks. I will blog all about it. I honestly love this centre, it suits me perfectly, and from my experience speaking with a counsellor this course beats that hands down! 

I am lucky this time around, we have everything we need for the last addition. All the furniture, a lot of gender neutral clothing – but either way this baby is getting all the hand me downs! The only thing extra we need is to get a pram that fits both Elijah and the new baby. Baby Bunting, here we come! I loved shopping there for all the stuff we needed for Elijah, they were so helpful and the prices were so good! Were hoping that the car seat capsule fits into the car so we will not need to buy a new one of those either! But other then that we are pretty much set ready to go! I’m looking forward to this next stage, and knowing this is absolutely our last bubba. I am happy with this, and accept it. I am just really enjoying every single second of this pregnancy and want to take it all in. I did not really with Elijah, I wasn’t feeling right and then after with the PND was just horrible. The newborn stage went by in the blink of an eye. I barely recognise Elijah as a newborn, its a blurry first 5 months with him which makes me sad. So this time I really want to just try to take everything in, and I’m hoping by working with the Parental Stress Centre through their course this will help keep me on track.

Ok, so that is all so far from me! So far so good on my pregnancy. Be sure to check out my Insta & Facebook page for picture updates along the way!

Candice xx

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The blog

Being a SAHM.

Since becoming a mum I seem to be in a ‘Stuck’ phase. I am not who I was before children, yet I am not completely not that person either. Confused? Good, so am I! I have always wanted to be a mum and am so grateful I have been blessed with 2 healthy lovely boys. Personally though since becoming a mum I have struggled to find ‘Me’. Before kids, I had dreams, goals, I was driven and would go for what I wanted. I only had me to think about. It’s a freedom I look back on and see I took for granted. I would be lying if sometimes I longed for those long gone never to be seen again days, of waking up when ever I wanted to, not needing to think of anyone else but me, being able to do as I wanted when I wanted, not a nappy bag or pram in sight. Go shopping for me for clothes that I like and not have to worry about boob access, or to cover my mum tum and not to have to worry about baby sick or food staining and ruining it! However, I wouldn’t change my current life for anything. I’m 3 1/2 years into this mum life, yet I am still adjusting! I wonder if I will ever figure it out, or if it will always be a constant adjustment? Ive wanted to be a mum ever since i could remember, I am living the life ive always wanted yet why do I struggle personally? shouldn’t I be able to handle this with ease, love every moment, not let stress bother me and get me down. nope, life just doesn’t work that way!

I seem to have lost that personal drive I once had. After Timmy was born I struggled for a good 2 1/2 years to figure out which career path I would take when I eventually went back to work. I have always worked since I was 15, I love working. Since becoming a mum, this is the first time I do not have a paid job and rely soley on my partners income, however I definitely work, being a mum is the hardest job ive ever had! There are no days off, no sick leave and it is a 24/7 job! So when I go back to paid work I could go the path I know and have years of experience in and can do with my eyes closed, Reception/Admin. Or I could go the avenue which I have thought about loads but just not done as it requires more studying, and I would be starting over right from the beginning -Childcare. After we moved to Oz, Carl couldn’t work for the first 3 months, I did some temping casual reception work and was bored and hated it. I enjoyed the adult conversation and the break it gave me from being a “mummy” for a few hours, but I hated the mind numbing role. Sometimes the phone did not ring for hours, I sat there bored out of my brains and knew this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I decided childcare it was! So after Elijah was born I enrolled in a Diploma in childcare. It has since sparked an excitement in me I had not experienced in a while for my personal goals and future. I enjoy studying and it feels good to be doing something for me. I have been struggling with the stay at home mum role, don’t get me wrong I love being apart of my children’s early years. I don’t miss out on anything, and im proud as punch watching my boys grow, learn and develop, but I do struggle as one day rolls into the next and into the next and weeks go by and I wonder where the days have gone? what did I achieve? Nothing gets done day-to-day and I have no idea what I’m doing every day! I wake up every morning with  “ill do this and this and sort this” attitude and by the end of the day I am lucky if any of my lists gets done. Staying at home each and every day gives me very little motivation and inspiration, by the end of each day I feel very disappointed in myself for not filling my days as how I intended at the beginning. Most days are filled with washing clothes, washing dishes, repeat about 6 or 7 times through the day, it’s never ending and drives me mad! Then there is the 3 year olds mess, he is a tornado! I seriously can not keep up with him.  From one room to the next, books off the shelf, play dough on the front step, and the back…how and when did that happen? Trains everywhere, Puzzle pieces in different boxes, Lego everywhere plus clothes he has mixed up…my fault…shouldn’t leave clean clothes lying on the floor with the dirty clothes for a toddler to get into and mix up! At any given time one or more….ok so all our rooms look like they have been burgled, it’s just so easy to shut the door and “deal with it later” yep…that door never opens! I want to be that mum that’s got all her shit together, that can cook and have a clean kitchen after, that does all the washing and puts it straight away instead of leaving it for days…ok sometimes weeks until we run out of clothes and search the basket! I wish I always had clean floors and that there wasn’t some sort of crunchy cereal I step on daily that my son dropped on the floor and that I step in daily…hmm, yep, probably should have cleaned that up by now. Every day I set myself up to fail in the house department, I just don’t have the motivation and get up and go to spend all day every day cleaning, sorting, repeat. Seriously, how on earth did mums manage 50 years ago with less appliances, more children, times were harder. Here I am struggling and compared ive got it a whole lot easier! I guess there are a lot more distractions these days, computers, social media, tv ect, more toys and stuff kids have to make more mess (my fault, i keep buying stuff!) I do hate that Carl comes home and is faced with the chaotic messy house and a girlfriend with messy hair, hairy legs and vomit and/ or baby food all over her clothes. It’s not fair on him, but to his credit he rarely complains, in fact he never complains, he only ever sometimes drops the slightest hint when he runs out of socks or underwear or when he feels its necessary I guess. Its sad, ive let my pride in my appearance go beyond acceptable. I desperately need waxing done, hair cut, new clothes and my weight has gone stupidly out of balance. I know im stuck in this rut, and need to get out of it. I have joined a gym, I love doing gym classes, there my time. Something I do just for me, its nice! I just need to get stricter with my eating. I eat mostly out of boredom, it’s a terrible habit!

I’m sure there are many mums out there who can relate. I would love to hear any advice or feedback you have! I love being a mum, but I am struggling to find ‘me’ in my role. I thought I was finding my self after Timmy we had a great routine and I felt on top of it. but once I had Elijah, our routine completely disappeared, and Timmy entered the terrible threenanger stage which threw me a new curve ball I wasnt ready for and then I had a bad spell of postnatal depression which sometimes I still find creeps in. Im blessed to be a stay at home mum, yet I struggle to find the ‘me’ amongst the chaos of daily life. I feel im constantly letting everyone down every day, not enough attention to Timmy and even to carl. He mentioned the other night he misses cuddles -which is all my fault, Im always too tired and just fall into bed exhausted too tired to stay up, chat, cuddle. Ive dropped the ball everywhere. I would be a hopeless juggler as this balancing act is hard work! Through the postnatal depression I fought hard to dig myself out of that hole, but it’s not completely gone, some days are great, others not so much but I’m dealing with it by talking to people, seeking professional help and writing about it along with reading self-help books.

I just wish I could feel comfortable and confident in this role as stay at home mum. Most days I feel like a fraud, like I’m going through my days dazing through trying be something i’m not and failing at it. My mum guilt on a daily basis is ridiculous, I constantly feel guilty over everything. How much time Timmy spends infront of the TV or on my phone playing games, or when he gets himself into a tantrum how I could have handled it better, or I didnt feed him a proper dinner… spagetti tonight kiddo? The only thing I can be sure of is I love my little family so damn much, my boys are my life and my world! They bring me purpose and a love only I can get from them. Their stressful, tiring and exhausting but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for anything. I guess the rest of the chaos and mess will just sort itself out. well I hope it does! I guess we can’t have it all. I want to be a great mum, I wont sacrifice that to be a great housewife also. I read somewhere once that when your kids are grown, they wont remember the messy house or dishes in the sink, but they will remember the memories and laughter you create together. lets hope that’s true!

lots of love to all you mummas who feel a little lost and overwhelmed, you’re not alone! XXX