Since becoming a mum I seem to be in a ‘Stuck’ phase. I am not who I was before children, yet I am not completely not that person either. Confused? Good, so am I! I have always wanted to be a mum and am so grateful I have been blessed with 2 healthy lovely boys. Personally though since becoming a mum I have struggled to find ‘Me’. Before kids, I had dreams, goals, I was driven and would go for what I wanted. I only had me to think about. It’s a freedom I look back on and see I took for granted. I would be lying if sometimes I longed for those long gone never to be seen again days, of waking up when ever I wanted to, not needing to think of anyone else but me, being able to do as I wanted when I wanted, not a nappy bag or pram in sight. Go shopping for me for clothes that I like and not have to worry about boob access, or to cover my mum tum and not to have to worry about baby sick or food staining and ruining it! However, I wouldn’t change my current life for anything. I’m 3 1/2 years into this mum life, yet I am still adjusting! I wonder if I will ever figure it out, or if it will always be a constant adjustment? Ive wanted to be a mum ever since i could remember, I am living the life ive always wanted yet why do I struggle personally? shouldn’t I be able to handle this with ease, love every moment, not let stress bother me and get me down. nope, life just doesn’t work that way!
I seem to have lost that personal drive I once had. After Timmy was born I struggled for a good 2 1/2 years to figure out which career path I would take when I eventually went back to work. I have always worked since I was 15, I love working. Since becoming a mum, this is the first time I do not have a paid job and rely soley on my partners income, however I definitely work, being a mum is the hardest job ive ever had! There are no days off, no sick leave and it is a 24/7 job! So when I go back to paid work I could go the path I know and have years of experience in and can do with my eyes closed, Reception/Admin. Or I could go the avenue which I have thought about loads but just not done as it requires more studying, and I would be starting over right from the beginning -Childcare. After we moved to Oz, Carl couldn’t work for the first 3 months, I did some temping casual reception work and was bored and hated it. I enjoyed the adult conversation and the break it gave me from being a “mummy” for a few hours, but I hated the mind numbing role. Sometimes the phone did not ring for hours, I sat there bored out of my brains and knew this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I decided childcare it was! So after Elijah was born I enrolled in a Diploma in childcare. It has since sparked an excitement in me I had not experienced in a while for my personal goals and future. I enjoy studying and it feels good to be doing something for me. I have been struggling with the stay at home mum role, don’t get me wrong I love being apart of my children’s early years. I don’t miss out on anything, and im proud as punch watching my boys grow, learn and develop, but I do struggle as one day rolls into the next and into the next and weeks go by and I wonder where the days have gone? what did I achieve? Nothing gets done day-to-day and I have no idea what I’m doing every day! I wake up every morning with “ill do this and this and sort this” attitude and by the end of the day I am lucky if any of my lists gets done. Staying at home each and every day gives me very little motivation and inspiration, by the end of each day I feel very disappointed in myself for not filling my days as how I intended at the beginning. Most days are filled with washing clothes, washing dishes, repeat about 6 or 7 times through the day, it’s never ending and drives me mad! Then there is the 3 year olds mess, he is a tornado! I seriously can not keep up with him. From one room to the next, books off the shelf, play dough on the front step, and the back…how and when did that happen? Trains everywhere, Puzzle pieces in different boxes, Lego everywhere plus clothes he has mixed up…my fault…shouldn’t leave clean clothes lying on the floor with the dirty clothes for a toddler to get into and mix up! At any given time one or more….ok so all our rooms look like they have been burgled, it’s just so easy to shut the door and “deal with it later” yep…that door never opens! I want to be that mum that’s got all her shit together, that can cook and have a clean kitchen after, that does all the washing and puts it straight away instead of leaving it for days…ok sometimes weeks until we run out of clothes and search the basket! I wish I always had clean floors and that there wasn’t some sort of crunchy cereal I step on daily that my son dropped on the floor and that I step in daily…hmm, yep, probably should have cleaned that up by now. Every day I set myself up to fail in the house department, I just don’t have the motivation and get up and go to spend all day every day cleaning, sorting, repeat. Seriously, how on earth did mums manage 50 years ago with less appliances, more children, times were harder. Here I am struggling and compared ive got it a whole lot easier! I guess there are a lot more distractions these days, computers, social media, tv ect, more toys and stuff kids have to make more mess (my fault, i keep buying stuff!) I do hate that Carl comes home and is faced with the chaotic messy house and a girlfriend with messy hair, hairy legs and vomit and/ or baby food all over her clothes. It’s not fair on him, but to his credit he rarely complains, in fact he never complains, he only ever sometimes drops the slightest hint when he runs out of socks or underwear or when he feels its necessary I guess. Its sad, ive let my pride in my appearance go beyond acceptable. I desperately need waxing done, hair cut, new clothes and my weight has gone stupidly out of balance. I know im stuck in this rut, and need to get out of it. I have joined a gym, I love doing gym classes, there my time. Something I do just for me, its nice! I just need to get stricter with my eating. I eat mostly out of boredom, it’s a terrible habit!
I’m sure there are many mums out there who can relate. I would love to hear any advice or feedback you have! I love being a mum, but I am struggling to find ‘me’ in my role. I thought I was finding my self after Timmy we had a great routine and I felt on top of it. but once I had Elijah, our routine completely disappeared, and Timmy entered the terrible threenanger stage which threw me a new curve ball I wasnt ready for and then I had a bad spell of postnatal depression which sometimes I still find creeps in. Im blessed to be a stay at home mum, yet I struggle to find the ‘me’ amongst the chaos of daily life. I feel im constantly letting everyone down every day, not enough attention to Timmy and even to carl. He mentioned the other night he misses cuddles -which is all my fault, Im always too tired and just fall into bed exhausted too tired to stay up, chat, cuddle. Ive dropped the ball everywhere. I would be a hopeless juggler as this balancing act is hard work! Through the postnatal depression I fought hard to dig myself out of that hole, but it’s not completely gone, some days are great, others not so much but I’m dealing with it by talking to people, seeking professional help and writing about it along with reading self-help books.
I just wish I could feel comfortable and confident in this role as stay at home mum. Most days I feel like a fraud, like I’m going through my days dazing through trying be something i’m not and failing at it. My mum guilt on a daily basis is ridiculous, I constantly feel guilty over everything. How much time Timmy spends infront of the TV or on my phone playing games, or when he gets himself into a tantrum how I could have handled it better, or I didnt feed him a proper dinner… spagetti tonight kiddo? The only thing I can be sure of is I love my little family so damn much, my boys are my life and my world! They bring me purpose and a love only I can get from them. Their stressful, tiring and exhausting but I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for anything. I guess the rest of the chaos and mess will just sort itself out. well I hope it does! I guess we can’t have it all. I want to be a great mum, I wont sacrifice that to be a great housewife also. I read somewhere once that when your kids are grown, they wont remember the messy house or dishes in the sink, but they will remember the memories and laughter you create together. lets hope that’s true!
lots of love to all you mummas who feel a little lost and overwhelmed, you’re not alone! XXX