When i look at my first son its hard to believe i created him, a real tiny little human growing and living. The miracle which he is still isn’t lost on me. previously in Australia after trying non successfully for 3 years plus with a previous partner i was told by an Australian IVF specialist that my eggs were no good, and the chances of me falling pregnant were unlikely. In the event i should fall pregnant it would most likely end in miscarriage. I was devastated, i went through a round of IVF, for it to fail. My relationship was at best rocky by this point, so looking back, its a good thing, but at the time i didn’t think so. I packed up my life in Australia and moved to Sark. That is where i met my current partner. I had told him about my life and no kids ect so we were not trying yet we were not being careful, thinking we were safe anyways! well 7 months later… i found out i was pregnant. My period was late, but that was nothing unusual to me as it was always out of sorts and since going through IVF sometimes i didn’t get a period and other times i would get 2 in a month. But i felt different somehow and decided to take a test just to rule it out, i was so unfazed that the result would be negative that i had made a cup of tea sat down, forgot all about the test until hours later when i went to the bathroom and got the shock of my life! BUT i knew there was a good chance it wouldn’t last, so i decided to tell Carl, and i’m ashamed to admit this, via text message!!! I was so scared of his reaction, but he called me straight back calmed me down and reassured me no matter what he would be there and he wasn’t going anywhere. He always has this way of making everything OK when i’m an absolute mess.So, As you know i had Timothy, the pregnancy was amazing (besides those first 3 months, and a bleeding scare), straight forward no complications and a straight forward delivery. I couldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Moving on to 6 months later after swearing there would be no more, me and Carl decide lets just stop being careful and see what happens. As far as were concerned Timmy is our little surprise miracle. If we don’t have another, were perfectly fine with only 1. So, Just after Timmy’s first birthday i found out i was pregnant, great, excited…. but it wasn’t to last i miscarried very very early on at 5 weeks. I think they call that a chemical pregnancy. So we decided not to dwell we looked at it as a late period, moved on as we had been.Then 3 months later again found out i was pregnant. This time it was a whole other ball game. The moment i fell pregnant i was severely sick, tired, couldn’t eat, couldn’t even prepare Timmy’s food, the look the smell everything had me turning green. I couldn’t stand up for long, i would get hot and want to pass out. I very nearly did in a shopping center a couple of times. There were days i couldn’t get of the sofa, i laid there all day while Timmy amused himself, i only rose to throw up or change him or prepare a very basic lunch. But i had all the normal symptoms, sore big breasts, swollen belly and bloated, no bleeding. I had read somewhere the stronger the symptoms the stronger the pregnancy. Well, i now know this to be a load of crap! We went for the 13th week scan, were the lady had told us there was no heart beat…this was not what we were expecting at all! devastated was not the word we would use to describe how we felt. That same day i had to go see a specialist who had told us i had a partial molar or a molar pregnancy. This is where the sperm penetrates a hollow egg, or where there are 2 sperm penetrate 1 egg. The pregnancy continues as though it was a real one, creating more cells, giving of all the pregnancy symptoms, yet its only cells growing, not a baby. In these cases the pregnancy symptoms are severe. that explains it. I even had milk leaking from my breasts.
So we had to digest this new information, and then tell family. They only knew i was pregnant because when i was really bad, i needed help looking after Timothy. So Carl’s family saved us and came took Timothy to stay with them while i had to have an operation to have the “Cells” removed, sent of and tested to see if it was a molar or partial molar and to watch if they cells grow. I thought they took it all out and that was the end of it. But it wasn’t that easy. Boxing day, were in Bristol at Carl’s family’s house with visitors and i start bleeding really bad and having contraction cramps. I was so scared, we had a ambulance come out who said this can be common. So the cramps subsided. once i got home, it was daily contraction cramps and a lot of bleeding so i went straight to the hospital where they did a scan to reveal they hadn’t got it all out, it was all basically still in there…they said i could do the operation again or wait for my body to pass it naturally. I opted not to have the operation. It wasn’t nice, another couple days of cramps and severe bleeding led me to pass the cells, which were very large by this point. But the moment i passed it the cramps stopped, the bleeding pretty much stopped and went to spotting. But it was still 3 months following this i had to have weekly blood tests, urine tests to see if my hormone levels returned to normal. If they didn’t it would mean the cells have started growing elsewhere and i would need chemo treatment to kill them, as they are not cancer, but they act like cancer cells and can duplicate elsewhere in the body. I was lucky, it took a while but eventually they did return to normal, no chemo needed and i was given the all clear to go ahead and try again if we wanted.
Carl had said he wasn’t sure he could go through that again, it was really tough on him.But my theory was, firstly i have a tougher skin due to my IVF earlier ect, I don’t want to look back in 10 years and say… what if? I would live to regret that, and regret isn’t something i like. So i explained to him i would rather continue on, should we never have anymore, then at least i know we can say, we tried and it wasn’t meant to be. I would be OK with this. What if we didn’t try, we would never know and always wonder what if?. This would leave me uncomfortable and i would regret that. So after a while he decided OK, lets just continue as we had been. what will be will be.
A year later i am now 6 months pregnant with another healthy baby. Imagine if we hadn’t of tried? So as you can see, my journey to having my babies hasn’t been easy or straight forward, but everything happens for a reason and i feel so blessed and lucky. My little miracles they will always be.
xx Life In A Mum Shell xx